eNVy Comics!

Glue is great! It’s like the gift from the gods that keeps on giving! Now there all types of glue, super glue, school glue, pimp juice (I personally prefer apple juice or raspberry iced tea), super super glue, and industrial strength super duper glue, just to name a few. Sniffing glue is bad though. As a matter of fact(ly), it’s dangerous. That’s why I only stick to the all natural stuff. It soothes and exfoliates every nose hair and brain cell in my body. That way everybody’s happy; which includes but is not limited to me and the tree hugging hippies… Therefore I rest my case.

Warning This article cointains links of an offensive nature, many feature nudity and anatomy. All of these links are from online encyclopedias. If you are easily offended and have complete dissregard for the educational, though sensitive content of said articles, please do not click on the links.

Ever heard on Conservapedia? Neither had, but today i had a revelation of a religious sort. For years I had been reading articles on Wikipedia, and had often been horrified by their content. Often pages had content of bad taste that was often uncalled for, for instance, when i looked up Fingering (related to the act of pressing keys on an instrument) and i clicked the disambiguation link that led to the sex act, i was appalled by what i saw! There was a cartoon image, and a few lines below, a sketch of what fingering looks like! Why i was so disgusted by this image that i had to lock my door and stare at the picture angrily for nearly five minutes! (actually it was closer to like two and a half minutes…)
This isn’t the first time i see first hand the disgust of Wikipedia. Why, just last week i looked up steamer, referring to Stanley Steamer, and what was at the bottom of the disambiguation page? CLEAVLAND STEAMER!! why, i was again so appalled that i had to just open the link and again contemplate everything that is wrong with it!! This time i was so frustrated that i was only able to contemplate said page for about half a minute! And again this happened when i was looking up the “Hanky Code” and urolagnia was on that page! I was so upset that i had to go straight to Peterland, my all-time favorite bar, wearing a yellow handkerchief on my right side pocket, to talk about everything that was wrong with the Wikipedia article. Thats why today, i was happy to find Conservapedia!
Conservapedia, unlike Wikipedia, takes a conservative All-Themerican look at the articles created. Unlike Wikipedia, it doesn’t have citation needed all over its pages, so long as your source is GOD you article is good. There is no need for scientific proof, because according to the bible, the earth is only a couple thousand years old, and carbon dating cant prove shit. It doesn’t matter if Uncyclopedia describes Conservapedia as “kind of like Uncyclopedia, only less accurate” because we all know that the bible is the most accurate book ever written without a single part of that book ever being proved wrong. ever. Not even that tidbit about the sun revolving around the earth, or that other thing about the earth being flat. I know what most people think, and many of you know what i think. My Opinion on dictionaries and encyclopedias is this: If it does not define “Fuck,” it’s probably not a reliable source. But Conservapedia doesn’t even acknowledge fuck. After pages of searching i can’t seem to find a single use of the word fuck! It’s like it doesn’t even exist! I would not expect any less from “the trust worthy encyclopedia,” Because that is exactly what i like in my encyclopedia, censorship. I love it, just like the for-profit chinese Baidu. i just love it.
I also like how it selectively shows content, Religulouse gets two sentences, Sex (including reproduction, organs, etc.) has only 3 articles. Rush Limbaugh’s page does not have anything relating to criticism or hate speech, and instead shows a “Poking Fun at Obama” section. Because when someone says they hate your guts and want you to fail, they are merely poking fun and not trying to insult. I also like the fact that if you look up gay, rather than being taken to a page that has the word’s definition, history and usage, you are taken directly to a page that talks about the “immoral” gay lifestyle.The article then links to homosexuality articles, and gay bomb, that’s right, gay bomb, a bomb that makes the enemy gay. Because we all know that a gay enemy is a dead enemy. wait, no, a gay enemy is a weak enemy No, wait, a gay enemy is a… well… i guess it doesn’t really matter, i mean, no offense to straight men, but straight men don’t really seem to work out that much (I’ve worked out ONCE). It seems that there is more gay guys that are in really good shape all buff and stuff in gyms than there is straight men. After all, Gym in Greek meant nude, as in nude men. I also like the fact that all liberals and famous gay people are somehow communist or socialist. Most articles that point out commies and socialists then compare them to Mussolini and communist china. I also like that the birth place of obama is shown as “allegedly Honolulu.” You can learn so much from this website.

I learned something today, and its all thanks to Conservapedia. Today i learned that Homosexuals are very violent domestic partners, even though every single case of partner abuse or violence i ever heard about on the news or read about in the paper, including fox news, are between straight couples. It also says that homosexuals have much lower mental health, claiming that they are at higher risk for suicide and depression, but I’m sure that has nothing to do with all the criticism they get from us god loving wwjd christians.
I also learned that atheists are also more likely to suffer from schizophrenia, I mean, who doesn’t know an atheist that is always talking about how his imaginary friend told him to go to war, or how his imaginary friend told him to hate people because of their lifestyle.

I’m going to wrap this up now because it is getting long, but before i do, I must say, this is by far the most 100% accurate all true 100% all beef patty Themerican website i have ever seen.
Normally, i would cite my sources and link to the web page i am talking about, but since i so strongly support Conservapedia’s policies on not linking to websites that may be harmful or offensive, i will not link to Conservapedia. You can just Google it, or look it up on Wikipedia or the much more reliable Uncyclopedia.

As we all know, taking a fatty shit is a private moment. I for one like shit-ing. Your poop can tell you all sorts of interesting facts about your body and what you’re lacking in the diet area. And it can tell you just how fucked up your colon(el) is. Fucked up colons are bad! I hear they suck and you will have to get another one. It’s like having a piece of pie. If you eat it all you wont have any left for later. But if you throw it back up and take the pieces together, you have a brand spanking new shiny piece of pie! How great is that! Which brings me to my next point. Slapping a piece of cheese cake (it’s actually a pie, the guy who named it must have had the munchies and got confused when naming it because drugs will do that to you) in a milk shake is da chit! The cheese cake flavor really packs a punch when drinking it, or slurping it, what ever you do (it also depends how thou makest it). Tis a gift from the heavens!

My fellow Themericans, Today i was catching up on the news, as i usually do… by skimming through the boards and blogs out there on the internet, because as we all know, the internet is absolutely true in every way. and eventually i went to Yahoo! News, and while i was pondering as to whether i should actually read the news, or simply go about criticizing people without any proof like any good christian would do, i came across an article that really got my attention. People have been questioning Obama’s birth certificate. Damn right they should, because after all, every US president that was not born in America has done nothing but caused wars, created intolerance, and destroyed the nations economy. I mean, come on, there is absolutely no way that this guy is American! Yeah, he is only half-black, and he does have white relatives, but that proves shit! I mean, you know its not really that hard for somebody to break into the social security office, get a fake birth certificate, along with all accompanying paperwork and then getting a notary to sign it. I mean, if a mexican can do it, why not a half black half white guy in Hawaii. It’s a conspiracy i tell you, He’s not actually african american, he is actually an illegal mexican immigrant, and the democrats are trying to keep it all under wraps, thats exactly why they are trying to keep all those mexicans here in the US, otherwise there beloved leader gets deported and then the republicans have the upper hand…
well, not for another couple of years, but wait till 2012 and they will win the election…
well, actually the last guy fucked up pretty bad, anyway, wait till 2016, and BAM! gee oh pee all the way!

Source (so you know its real!)
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090728/ap_on_re_us/us_obama_birth_certificate

As i was doing shit for history…
I’ll screw the old shit, and get straight to the point!

The Laws implemented by the Duke Of York on New York have something weird going on with Number Four which read as follows:

If any man lies with mankind as he lies with a woman, they shall be put to Death, unless the one party were Forced or be under fourteen Years of age, in which Case he shall be punished at the Discretion of the Court of Assizes.

No Offense Mr. (late) Duke of (old) York, but i fail to see what the size of ones ass has to do with homosexuality…