On Monday, a Colorado school was locked down after a female student was shot nearby. We only read the headline and the article summary, but since now is the season when most are released, we will ignorantly blame violent video games.
On Tuesday, Lester Warner, an 86 year old cancer patient who was in a very fragile state decided to stop all treatment, leave the hospital, and instead go hunting with his 51 year old son in 19 degree weather. Not only did Lester come back down alive, but he brought a massive buck down with him. Because of the man’s fragile state, his son, Brian, took a reclining chair up the mountain for his father to sit in while they waited. We assume that hauling the chair into the woods was much easier than hauling some of their heavier equipment, including two massive brass balls.
Our investigative staff reports that they were unable to use their MasterCard in online markets to buy things they didn’t need, with money they didn’t have from sources they couldn’t trust. We bleieve that the Denial O’ Service attack on MasterCard and Visa was caused by hackitivists supporting WikiLeaks. We wanted to add another joke here, but I thought making a urine joke about WikiLeaks’ name would be immature.
Bri’ish actress Helen Mirren insulted Hollywood, claiming that the producers of many major films worship the 18 to 25 year old male audience penises. In retort, 4chan users responded by saying “Helen, Tits or GTFO!”
On Thursday, an Angsty teenager carved a V for Vampire on his tied up victim. From what we understand, the victim has never seen any of the Hannibal movies.
Since the last bit was below our already low standards…
On Thursday, Joe Straus, a republican conservative jewish man who is currently Speaker of the Texas House of Representatives came under fire from other conservatives. The opposition claims that they voted for a conservative christian legislation and would prefer a christian speaker. This of course once again proves that experience in politics is useless if you don’t have the same imaginary friend.
On Thursday, Joe Straus, a republican conservative jewish man who is currently Speaker of the Texas House of Representatives came under fire from other conservatives. The opposition claims that they voted for a conservative christian legislation and would prefer a christian speaker. Its not that they have anything against jewish people, its simply that he is not christian enough.
On Thursday, Jim Morrison, lead singer for the Doors was pardoned for a 1969 Indecent Exposure charge. “Thank You” is what Jim Morrison would say if he wasn’t already dead.
The website eNVy Comics creates a new weekly segment detailing important weekly news of the week. Even though the actual article is not published until monday.
This has been Week In Review, all your latest headlines, one week after you stopped giving a crap.
Well, as you all know, that energy booze Four Loko is being banned all over the place. In case you have been bingeing on coffeebeer for the past few days and don’t even remember your name or happen to be very old, Four loko (translation: Cuatro Crazy) is a caffeinated energy beverage that has an alcohol content of about 12%, which about twice as much as a beer per ounce.
The FDA drink pyramid recommends 12 servings of Four Loko a day.
As i said before, many states are banning this beverage because of its high alcohol content, risk of causing heart problems, and because they have the power to do so. Now personally, i think the concept of such a beverage is ridiculous. It is about as dangerous as Grape Drank
; anyone with a working thinking apparatus would recognize the beverage as a danger, and avoid it. That is exactly why we should NOT
See, the typical consumer of Four Loko is, to put it kindly, most likely inbred or brain dead. These are the same guys that get a second DUI
before the trial date for his first DUI
. These are the same guys that try to get high off of markers, and put up stupid videos of themselves getting hurt on youtube.
These men would be typical Four Loko drinkers, if they werent dead and/or bankrupt.
As hilarious as these videos of guys blowing up watermelons with gasoline are, the fact is they are not adept to live in the modern world. In fact, these guys are the guys who “hook up” with “the beezies” and dont bring “no rubber, yo.” That means that they impregnate these “beezies” and pass down their stupid. BUT if we let them drink Four Loko, they are that much more likely to die of alcohol poisoning or something related. The sooner they die, the less likely they are to reproduce and the less likely they are to contaminate the human gene-pool with their stupidity if it has a genetic cause.
This is something that should be applied across the board when it comes to Nanny laws. We need to get rid of stupid people, and killing them would just be crazy. Instead, we should just let those lemurs jump off that metaphorical cliff by letting them drinking four loko and paint thinners. As long as these actions cause no loss or harm to third parties (funeral homes and county coroners excluded) then there is nothing wrong with letting them die.
Americans, we know the economy is screwed up the brown-eye right now, and we don’t want to point any middle fingers to those no good liberals that just lost control of the house, so we would like to instead talk about a great way to fix the economy. Ronald Reagan loved it, and it’s called Trickle Down Economics. This is one of those things that is best explained visually, so here are a few drawing that will help explain it.
The Richest paid the biggest percent, while the poorest one on there got a little bit of water from the big gulp cup (aka Uncle Sam.)
That’s how our current tax system works.
But let’s say we don’t do this to the rich, and they keep their water…
Let’s say that, instead of leaving it in this cup, they put it to good use, much like they would in real life.
Sure, there is that whole thing about how the rich will buy products and services from other major companies that are also owned by wealthy people, thus making other rich people richer, while the workingman still receives a measly salary, but what are the odds of THAT actually happening.
(we assume you have read or heard about what happened with Paladino, if not, look it up, otherwise you won’t lol as much as we want you to lol.)
To the Editor:
I have recently read your article about New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino, and I feel shocked by this article. The article casts him under such a negative light after he made his stance on homosexuality clear, especially when Paladino said that it’s “disgusting” and that he doesn’t want our children to be “brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality is acceptable.” I very much agree with the position this newspaper has taken in criticizing him, because clearly he has not gone far enough!
He did the right thing by calling the homosexual community disgusting right after the anti-gay beatings that happened in New York City only a few days before. As everyone knows, the best way to make the world a better place is to ostracize those who are different for reasons completely out of their control, but simply calling them disgusting isn’t going to get you anywhere, you have to take action. To Paladino, I suggest a law that he should try to create and sign when he becomes governor. This law should be created because nine individuals were incarcerated after brutally beating three homosexuals. Brave men like these, from the non-violent teen outreach group that calls itself the King Goonies Gang should have immunity for doing the right thing, and assaulting gays for doing what comes naturally.
The other issue that I have with Paladino is that he is far too lenient on other religious groups. He has yet to criticize atheists, Jews, and Hindus, leaving me to ask whether or not this man actually does truly believe in the absolute truth that is the holy bible, which is absolutely 100% true, even though no one has any proof regarding most of that book and the book could easily be interpreted as a fairy tale.
I am beginning to suspect that he is a non-believer, and RGJ should be more critical of him.
Despite dictionaries being available at every book retailer, encyclopedias available at every public library, and gigabytes of information available on the subject online (along with terabytes of sexy sexy porn) many still have the wring idea of what atheism actually is. Because i’m tired of answering these questions individually, and im very lazy, i have decided to create an atheist FACK. We call it FACK instead of FAQ because we usually dont get this stuff as questions, but mostly in derogatory statements. So instead of Frequently Asked Questions, we bring you a list of Frequently Affirmed Counterfactual Knowledge. But for the hell of keeping things uniform, we will keep this like a faq q&a.
Q: Is Atheism a religion?
A: No it’s not. A religion is organized and has some sort of structured belief or worship system. We have no belief in a god or gods and have no system of worship. We don’t go to atheist church on sunday or anything like that. Atheism simply means you don’t believe in god or gods.
Q: Why do atheists hate God?
A: We don’t hate god, we simply think he doesn’t exist. However many of us do hate religion, and many of us are simply neutral and accepting towards it. Since atheists are just people who do not believe in gods, we don’t have a unified belief system and are free to hate or enjoy what we want. This includes religion and holidays.
Q: You have no morals!
A: That wasn’t really a question, was it?
Q: No not really…
A: Can you rephrase that into a question?
Q: is it true that atheists have no morals?
A: Its false. We do have morals, they just arent based on a religious text. My morals, for instance are based on a set of rules and moral and cultural standards that are in place to promote the well being of the species in general. So, murdering someone would mean we have one less human and that is bad. Stealing would cause harm to a third party, and that is bad. Etc. We do have morals.
Q: Why are atheists so unhappy?
A: We find ourselves in the minority of a population. Fact is, we only make up at the most 16% of the american populace, while christians make up well over half. But most of us dont pick sides when it comes to religion, so really, its the atheists, and then every religion. So its a ratio of 16/84. of course we would be upset, when a large number of the population absolutely hates us. We can’t get elected into public office if word gets around that we are atheist. We are frowned upon by many.
Q: Is it true that you believe in reincarnation?
A: Though i guess technically, you can believe in reincarnation and not believe in god, we typically do not believe in such nonsense.
Q: So if god didn’t make you, then who did?
A: sigh Sometimes, when a mommy and a daddy love eachother very very much… or went drinking heavily after prom, they decide to violently fuck each other. The man ejaculates into the woman’s vagina and then the sperm travels into the the uterus and goes into one of the woman’s eggs. The egg is then fertilized and turns into a cell with a full set of DNA. This cell then splits in half, with both halves now having a full set of the genes, and then they split in half, and they split in half, and they split in half… didnt your parents teach you this shit? Man no wonder you are so damn ignorant!
Q: Well, who made them?
A: Idunno. We can’t really know for sure without more research. Now if only, a certain group of people who like fairy tales would let us do some research, we might be able to find out for sure.
Q: Is it true that you worship satan?
A: Satan doesnt exist, so… no.
Q: How many of you sell your souls to satan on average?
A: None… Satan doesnt exist.
Q: How many times a week do you sacrifice babies?
A: None… why the hell would we sacrifice babies?
Q: Because you worship satan!
A: We don’t worship satan, as far as we are concerned, satanism is a branch of christianity. God doesnt exist and neither does satan.
Q: But then… I believe god is real, and so is satan. So by that logic…. you must either side with god or with satan… therefore you worship satan.
A: Ugh!! We don’t believe satan exists! Besides, even if your two imaginary friends were real, isnt there some grey area i could pick from? Say… like, you know picking a candidate? Like, maybe those who are into sodomy and god hating could vote satan and those who dont like getting laid ever could pick god.
Q: So you do worship satan.
A: NO WE DONT THINK SATAN EXISTS!!
Q: Fuck you, your going to hell and your going to burn there for eternity!!!
A: Thats not even a question and hell doesnt even exis — You know what, screw it, i tried… im done.
im going home.