eNVy Comics!

By now i am assuming you have heard about Arizona Law SB 1070, also known by the liberal media pansies as so called “Arizona Law SB 1070.” Now other states plan on joining the band wagon, and now people have gone crazy with protest. LA, CA is boycotting Arizona’s products, and people have started to boycott Arizona Steel and related companies, Arizona Cardinals, and New York based Arizona Tea. But is the law as bad as everyone thinks it is? We here at envy comics fear that the issue is not that the law is to strict, quite the contrary, we feel it doesnt go far enough.

Lets face it, most hispanioles come from countries that are less god fearing than we are, and as we all know, the american constitution and its amendments, including the ten commandments also known as the bill of rights are based on this religious doctrine. Therefore if you are not a god loving christian, you do not get this fair protection (thats right, you dont get freedom of religion if you aren’t christian) and you definitely dont even get basic human rights if you are here illegally. (Vote for SB1092, legalize water boarding for illegals.) Clearly, once we establish that these issues are no longer an issue, we can do all sorts of things with the law. Thats why i present to you this five step program to improve the arizona law. These should be voted into law immediately

The Five Steps to Recovery
Step one: Identification
We must identify illegals quickly, even if it means giving up a few rights of our own, because as we all know, atleast 50% or more have never been involved in some other crime other than illegally being in the country. By this logic we can assume that the other 50% are hardened criminals who will without a doubt rape you the moment they see you then try to sell your kids drugs then try to tag your house with all sorts of graffiti then add insult to injury by burning down the house they just vandalized and stealing your car. Then aborting your rape baby and trying to sell it drugs. This means we must identify them quickly. In order to do this, we have compiled a list of 7 traits that identify these hardened criminals who WILL KILL your BABIES if you let them.
a. Does He watch soccer?
b. Does he speak spanish?
c. Does he work as a day labourer?
d. Does he drink Corona (instead of either Miller, Bud, or Coors?)
e. Does he have more than two children
f. Does the cross of Jesus, or the depiction of the Last Super hang in his dining room?
g. Does he look Mexican?
Once you have appropriately identified you subject as mexican, or some other kind of beaner, it is time to move onto the next step in the law that i am proposing.
To ease identification for later, it is best that we mark them with a serial number tattoos that are nearly 100% permanent and therefore tracking and identification will become much easier. Things such as passing laws requiring them to wear flags or pins of their native flags on their clothing will also ease identification.

Step Two: Notification
It is important that you notify your local authorities, or better yet, your local Minutmen so that they can be safely isolated from the area before they employ their self defense systems. (Research indicates it can be anything from sharp stingers in their posterior to spitting and bleeding a horrible acid substance that kills you and spreads like a virus. or possibly just running, i dont know, we dont have the funds for this kind of research.) By law it will be required that you do report them, or else face sedition charges.

Step Three: Isolation/Detention
The individual are obviously dangerous and must be detained, once they are they can be brought to a safer location where they can roam in an open range freely with more of their species within a contained area for safe housing. This area much like a recreational camping area will guarantee isolation from us normal people, and therefore will prevent the spread of acid virus disease.

Step Four: Supply, Labour, and, Costs
Eventually, these people will cost too much money to contain within pens, and human corpse disposal is effective but very costly. And some may say “we can deport them,” Well, sure we can deport them, but with rising gas prices, is that such a good idea? As such, we have to create an environment that is self contained. This way, we can cut off all external food supply, and let them to fend for themselves within this confined environment, its just like going camping. Roughing it out in the wild, while hundreds of armed soldiers watch your every move. However, within this system, there is a problem. A commune is created inside these camping sites, and that sounds just a little too much like communism to me. We are a capitalist country, and i’ll kill before i let it go red! Which brings me to step five.

Step Five: Profit!
There is a profit to be made in just about everything, don’t believe me? Just go to your local Home DePot and buy a sack of rocks. But once you purchase this sack of rocks, you don’t want to risk hurting yourself hauling it around the store all day, do you? And once you get this mighty big sack home that’s bursting, who is going to spread it’s contents all over the lawn? This is one of those moments where an unpaid servant would come in handy. Because many of the day labourers have now disappeared, we now have a huge demand for cheap, or better yet, free labour. Thats where step five of this plan comes in, now we get these illegals in our recreational camp sites to stop recreating and start procreating. We get some third party corporation to oversee these procreation camps, and sell the immigrants either at auction or through a commodities exchange market for profit. Why these free workers can easily solve all of America’s problems. While we sit and bask, our crops will be cut and processed for us at unreasonably low prices, leading to a new era of American prosperity.

Ladies and gentlemen, i have recently heard of a very controversial issue. Apparently Xavier Becerra, a congressman from California laughed at the pledge. The controversy surrounding this issue can be seen at Fox News Website and, of course footage of this incident can be seen on Youtube. Obviously, after watching that horrifying incident, you feel horrible at this atrocious atrocity. In his defense, Becerra did say that the man who stood up and asked him to say the pledge was interrupting a meeting, but that hardly qualifies as an excuse. By God, the pledge of allegiance is the thing that makes us American, its not the paying of taxes, or loyalty or being nice to other citizens, its the pledge. After this incident, i have come to the most obvious conclusion. I propose a new bill, that would, if enacted, create a law that REQUIRES all US citizens to say the pledge at any moment it is requested by someone else, and if someone does not comply, a citizen’s arrest can be made resulting in a minimum incarceration time of 20 years. This means that at any given time, if i ask a senator to recite the pledge, he will have no choice but do so. If i am sitting in the middle of a very important congressional meeting, and i stand up, and request that every repressentative in the building state the pledge, even if there is a meeting going on, the by law, and by god, they should do it! If the United States has just been attacked by terrorists and the president is talking about an emergency plan to the representatives and members of the press, and a press member gets up and requests that everyone say the pledge, than everyone should God dammit. Thats how we show em terrorists who’s boss. By not taking action, and instead saying the pledge at the request of anyone.

My Fellow Americans, a horrible trend has entered the united states in recent years. And that is the dechristianization of the holiday season! it seems like every day less and less children leave cookies out for jesus christ on the holiday, and instead leave them for the fat man in the red. There are 3 major things we need to talk about here. 1. DeChristianization and how to stop it. 2. What Christmas is really about. 3. The Santa Clause.

1. DeChristianization
It seems that the country as a whole has lost its christian values, especially during the holiday season. Everywhere i go, i see jews and atheists, offending our lord, jesus “el selvador” christ, if that is his real name. The jews dont bend over for the son of god born of a virgin woman how they are supposed to! and this makes god angry! Everywhere i go, i see atheists, doing nothing. just enjoying time with their family, and giving children pressents, donating money to organizations like unicef, instead of giving all your money to the church like you are supposed to! They decide to spend time with their families, instead of going to church for 6 hours like all us real christians, and frankly im tired of it. which leads me to my next point.

2. What Christmas is really about.
No matter what anyone tells you, christmas is not about spending time with friends or family, or the ones you love, or the ones who love you in a hotel room for a certain monetary exchange or simply being a good sam. No, its about much more than that. its about Jesus! but lets face it, we can’t force people to go to church, thats the governments job. so we make legislation forcing all of us to go to church 8 hours a day, like a full time job. this way, we are now spening 16 hours a day busy, but wwait, there is more! we also sleep 8 hours a day, leaving our 24 hour day full. This of course means that we now have absolutely no time to spend with our family, that is why there is one other thing that christmas is about. The Presents. Yes, Capitalism is here to save the day! Since we no longer have time to spend with our family, we show them we love them by spending all our cold hard cash on presents, supporting our booming economy (despite what those Obamists and democrats say.) and helping us defeat the communists over in russia. Speaking of communist trash, that takes me to my third and final point.

3. The Santa Clause.
If you ever take a look at our constitution, you will notice that there are some interesting clauses. we have a freedom of speech clause, a 3/5ths clause and a completely uneeded “women’s rights to vote” clause. But no where in there do we see a Santa Clause. that is because, santa is not american. he is a goddamned red! thats right he is a communist, helping out the evil lenin empires that supporty social health care such as england and canada. As proof, i bring to you xzibit. xzibit? fuck that shit example A. The Red! he wears red, a sign of cummunism, and what type of coat does he wear? a russian coat, that is right, his dress is similar to some russian noblewear in ancient times. and what does the fat man do? He uses hard work and labour (owns the means of production) to share toys with the kids (distribution of the wealth) and if that isnt communism, i dont know what is!

In conclusion, my fellow americans. We need to get rid of everything santa-ish, and replace it with jesus-ish stuff. So next year, dont have your kid’s picture taken with a loveable old man, get your kids picture taken with a man hainging from a cross bleeding to death slowly soaked in vinegar.

Here is a question i read today upon a forum/q&a website

Anonymous:
I’ve dubbed the box below the ‘glory box’ if you catch my drift.,. What do you make of this site?

[response box goes here]

Zebobbybird:
i tried using this box much like i would use a glory hole, to no avail, i realized that it does in fact not work in the same way. Now my screen has a smudge on it about an inch and a half thick and about 7 inches long. However after further investigation, i realized that if i pressed my penis against the letters on a plastic board a couple of inches away from the screen, letters appeared. Using this method i was able to respond to your post.

Do you ever wonder where the porn that’s not good enough (yea I know, the extra shitty ones, the ones that are the zenith of shit porn) to be uploaded onto the internet go? As many of you, I have wondered this. For countless years, more like hours, I have been pondering on this question now, and have come to the conclusion that it doesn’t. Yup, that’s right, it just doesn’t! It’s because of all the Mormons and Republicans, whom of which suck, that they suck.

I find that it’s a lot like taking a shit. If you have a laptop and surf the interwebs while relieving yourself. It’s the best shit (lolz, pun) ever! But when it finally comes down to it you think to yourself “wow, that sure was a waste of my time, I didn’t even have enough time to use the lappy top that well.

And then came along the crazy lunatics killing everything in sight whilst abiding by the Ten Holy and Devine Testaments of Him… (Does this sound like the Crusades too much?) Now which Catholic priest wants to touch me in my special spot!?

Smilie outsies!