On Monday, a Colorado school was locked down after a female student was shot nearby. We only read the headline and the article summary, but since now is the season when most are released, we will ignorantly blame violent video games.
On Tuesday, Lester Warner, an 86 year old cancer patient who was in a very fragile state decided to stop all treatment, leave the hospital, and instead go hunting with his 51 year old son in 19 degree weather. Not only did Lester come back down alive, but he brought a massive buck down with him. Because of the man’s fragile state, his son, Brian, took a reclining chair up the mountain for his father to sit in while they waited. We assume that hauling the chair into the woods was much easier than hauling some of their heavier equipment, including two massive brass balls.
On Wednesday:
Our investigative staff reports that they were unable to use their MasterCard in online markets to buy things they didn’t need, with money they didn’t have from sources they couldn’t trust. We bleieve that the Denial O’ Service attack on MasterCard and Visa was caused by hackitivists supporting WikiLeaks. We wanted to add another joke here, but I thought making a urine joke about WikiLeaks’ name would be immature.
Bri’ish actress Helen Mirren insulted Hollywood, claiming that the producers of many major films worship the 18 to 25 year old male audience penises. In retort, 4chan users responded by saying “Helen, Tits or GTFO!”
On Thursday, an Angsty teenager carved a V for Vampire on his tied up victim. From what we understand, the victim has never seen any of the Hannibal movies.
Since the last bit was below our already low standards…
On Thursday, Joe Straus, a republican conservative jewish man who is currently Speaker of the Texas House of Representatives came under fire from other conservatives. The opposition claims that they voted for a conservative christian legislation and would prefer a christian speaker. This of course once again proves that experience in politics is useless if you don’t have the same imaginary friend.
On Thursday, Joe Straus, a republican conservative jewish man who is currently Speaker of the Texas House of Representatives came under fire from other conservatives. The opposition claims that they voted for a conservative christian legislation and would prefer a christian speaker. Its not that they have anything against jewish people, its simply that he is not christian enough.
On Thursday, Jim Morrison, lead singer for the Doors was pardoned for a 1969 Indecent Exposure charge. “Thank You” is what Jim Morrison would say if he wasn’t already dead.
On Friday,
The website eNVy Comics creates a new weekly segment detailing important weekly news of the week. Even though the actual article is not published until monday.
This has been Week In Review, all your latest headlines, one week after you stopped giving a crap.
