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Microsoft Pulls a Coca-Cola!

22 October 2009, 20:52

Hey Kids! Do you know what time it is? (what time is it Mr.Z?) Its Story Time!

Today’s Story is called “the release for retail (not to be confused with beta or marketing) day for Windows 7!” And from the astonishing reviews which i thoroughly skimmed through while i googled hot naked pr0nz, i have come to the conclusion that ol’ billy gates has pulled a coca-cola on us. Maybe you are not catching my odorous drift.

See kids, a few years ago before sms messaging and cellphones with internet and texting and sexting, there was a Coca-Cola, made by Coca-Cola Co (Coke). One day, after many a dollar were spent on expensive as hell market research Coca Cola came to the conclusion that the flavor of Coca Cola was loosing to Pepsi. Now Pepsi, for those of you who don’t live in a first world country where fine Pepsi products are sold, is the much sweeter competitor to Coca Cola. Well, after this market research, Coca-Cola said “Hey, i bet we would boost sales if we took this market research and sold sweeter, better tasting coke.” Now of course what Coke did not realize was that Coca-Cola was more than just taste, it was about company loyalty, about appearances, and about bad marketing ploys. So Coke started selling this better tasting soda to people marketing it as new coke. However, this new tasting soda made the customers no longer reminisce of a better America, and sales went down the shitter. Then (despite the rumors saying it was all a marketing ploy) the execs noticed that there stocks were loosing value, and in a desperate attempt to not die, decided to bring back the Awesome but not as Awesome and refreshing taste of Coca-Cola Classic. To their surprise this failed investment worked to their advantage, because when Coke Classic was released, Sales SKYROCKETED!! I guess what we can learn from this is that people are stupid, in general, they don’t even know what they want. They prefer a bad taste (well, in coke’s case, not a bad taste, simply a not perfect taste, because classic coke was and is awesome) that is flashy over an excellent beverage that is effective.

How exactly did Bill Gates pull a coca cola? Remember back in the day when vista came out, and there was a lot of hype about it? Yeah? Then you bought your overpriced $200 copy, and tried installing it? And then remember how it kept freezing because you did not have enough ram? and because your processor was too slow? And you got a BSOD because you had the wrong video card? Remember? You `Member? You `Member!
Yeah and remember all those extra flashy processes that didn’t really do anything that thoroughly raped your ram? Well, imagine that all that is that shitty flavour and aftertaste of (back then) “NEW and IMPROVED” Windows! (Now with 10% more Aero!) When people tasted Vista, they thoroughly loved the GUI, but after it was released to market and sell, the horse anus after taste really affected sales. Microsoft essentially entered a dark age of shitty software and shitty patches and shitty word processing and shitty porn viewing all because of shitty market research. With windows 7 however, Microsoft seems to have gone back to it’s roots, efficiency and usability over looks. Because lets face it kids, some hookers are expensive and pretty, but if they can’t give a good job and are infected with std, or have holes where they shouldn’t people are just going to cough up less for the not so good looking whore that still has STDs but at least gives a good job. People kept buying XP, and many refused to upgrade after hearing and reading (That’s right kids, a long time ago there was a thing called newspapers.) reviews.
Now 7 seems to have broken that trend by creating a hooker that is kinda hot but looks foreign and new and younger looking which makes her look hotter! Not only that, but since she is built from scratch she has less STDs and she also has “better performance” if you catch my drift.
Because Vista was so shitty, this will probably work well for all of Microsoft, as is likely, fans of “Old” Windows 98 taste will (my god, has it really been that long since a good Microsoft OS came out? Jesus Christ, back then i didn’t even know HTML!) enjoy the New “Classic, Reliable, Easy to Drink” taste of 7 over the “New And Improved” cock anus taste of Vista.

Zebobbybird, Editor and Administrator (of pain)



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