Masturbation is key to a healthy lifestyle. It’s a personal choice. To some, if you do it, you will go to hell, but to me, if i don’t do it, my life will be hell. Ctrl is the rate of which you finish.. it’s also the rate at which you develop blisters on you hand. If they get infected, don’t worry! There is nothing to fear! Threre is always the plastic bag method! Just get a bag, use lube and smack that monkey!

But masturbation is bad. It leads to… Aww, fuck this…

Hello, my name is Smilie, and I’m a masturbation-aholic… or some shit like that…
Yes, I am addicted to masturbation… I don’t like it (well maybe just a little) and I certainly don’t tell zebobbybird when I’m doing it at two in the morning because I want to lol and gross him out.

Ahh yes, the ‘ol masturbation trick again. I raise my cup to thee in celebration of what is to cum come onto some bitch’s face n’ shit. From soft-core to XhardXcoreX pr0nz, they’re all the same and they all lead up to the climax in the story line… (lol, pun). Anywho, masturbation is gr34t! It releases stress and makes you last longer before fucking. And sometimes you don’t have an hour or two to fuck around, heck, sometimes you might just have a minute or two to play with yourself (Xbox, that is). And lets not forget about the quick and easy cleanup, boy oh boy is it quick and easy, especially with the banana peel method (which just so happens to hold #1 spot in my top 10 list). This method sure is handy when you want to eat something healthy and you want to get a good workout.

Which then reminds me of a game. It’s not a difficult game to play (unlike that piece of shit Modern Gayfuckstupid 2) and any number of people can join in. If you don’t know what it is well you’re in luck! It’s called the waffle game. Oh yes, the waffle game. Sound intimidating? No? Well it’s not easy to win… or lose for that matter. The object of the game is to get a waffle, form a circle with some friends, and start beating your meat and cumming on the waffle. The way you lose is you’re the last one to cum, therefore, the loser must eat the cum infested waffle at that moment. Sound fun? Well it is! And it sure as hell beats the bore of basking and marinating in your own discharge by yourself for a few moments
(I know this for a fact!).

If you follow these easy steps, you’ll be on your way to be masturbation free in no time!

Step 1: Find attractive female.

Step 2: Approach female. (this can be a little difficult for some)

Step 3: Befriend female.

Step 4: Ask female out on date (if female=1 go to 5, if female=0 repeat from step 1)

Step 5: Take her out on dinner

Step 6: After dinner invite her back to your place. (note, female might invite you to her place. (If fail, repeat from step 1).

Step 7: Ask her if she would like to come in for a cup of coffee… or tea… or crumpets… or whatever tickles your scrotum fancy.

Step 8: (this is where it doesn’t matter if she accepts or denies) If she accepts, then it’s mission complete. But if she denies, then ask her if that rag in your pocket smells like chloroform, then it’s mishun compl3t3!

Enjoy sex!

But if all else fails, then the program has failed… but wait! The system is perfect! Therefore it was human error, you got a 404 on that shit. Then you can just masturbate, it doesn’t really matter at this point, or open up your ports and start all over…

… I need to go to an MA meeting now…