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Horror Movies can SUCK my hairy nuts!

21 March 2009, 18:40

How many of you have ever watched horror movies? Ok, now how many of you actually enjoy them? Now how many of you are NOT brain dead monkeys who prefer movies that are fitted with intriguing plots over those who are filled with intriguing boobs? Now we dont have that big of a crowd, do we? It’s because horror movies genuinely suck! Now before i continue, i must warn you that the following has many spoilers (since we are talking about shitty horror movies from the 70s 80s and 90s it doesnt really fucking matter.) before each i will give you a red
spoiler alert!
so that you know its coming (hehe i said coming)
Well my first issue with horror movies is that there’s always the following characters:
A dumbass white chick who (spoiler alert!) either shows some ass, some tits, and doesn’t die. (exceptions: she dies in the last five minutes of the film.)
A hot guy who is always friends or boyfriend with the hot chick.
A minority who ALWAYS dies (usually first or second to go)
a fat guy or a dumb guy who ALWAYS dies (may be paired with the minority for easy execution.)
The Angry Guy
The dumb blonde chick always has a friend who is not as dumb.
Important exception! Sometimes the minority (specifically a black guy) and the fat character are combined into one, this guy may or may not die, however if he does die, it will be somewhat comedic (such as: “oh shit, he is right behind me isnt he?”), however, if he is anything other than blck, the death will not be funny, and he WILL die.

Then the plots always suck, such as “he awakes every ten years to take revenge on his birthday” Fuck that shit, if i was a dead guy i would kill on the anniversary of my death! And then there is the “He comes back every ten years to kill on the anniversary of his death” Fuck that shit, i would kill on my birthday, a nice little present from me to me! and then there would be one year where i would switch it up just to completely throw off the unsuspecting town folk. “Oh, old zeb wont do any killings for another month or so, because its not that time of the year yet, you can sleep with your door open.” and then BAM the fat kid is dead! not because i didnt like him, just because i want his xbox, come on, he is fat, his is probably better than mine, i have a regular one, he probably has the elite. And thats the other thing, if i died, i wouldn’t go into a killing rampage! I would kill the guy that killed me, then i would go buy me some porn… or go pick up some hot chicks at the graveyard. Then there are those franchises that are so fucking stupid, like that vorhees fellow, so the country is in a shit hole, and they send him to space, like some sort of astronaut? who’s fucking idea was that? “Well, we have requested another half a billion dollars from nasa to fund the ‘send jason to space’ initiative” There are guys who stole a car without killing anyone who rot in prison, and this hockey wearing fucker gets to go into space? Wait, so they send him to place where the rich take vacations? What is he, a CEO now? Seriously!
Another shitty film was “The Hills Have Eyes 2” seriously, what the fuck was that, the only person i know who enjoyed that film is this dumbass kid at school who thinks with his balls and cusses out everyone who disagrees with him (this guy is convinced that everyone in the middle east (including women and children) are terrorists “out to fuck us over, and if you disagree you arent fucking american, so go fuck yourself you pussy!”) god he is a dumb ass, i hope he never has kids. i hope someone removes his balls before he has kids. Back to the movie, its protagonists are a group of military personnel, perfect for crazed post-911 paranoia victims such as chris (the kid i was talking about.) The movie is not scary at all, just gross, i think there is a difference. Scary is “Holly Shit!!! (pisses pants)” gross is “bu …(Throws up)” Where is the horror. You know whats Scary that all these newer films lack? Humans are scared of the unknown, dont believe me go ask a catholic priest about something he doesnt know about, Alfred Hitchcock was popular because you dont know who is doing the killing until the very end of the film, as go most good horror movies, where there is a plot twist in the end that you did not expect. Thats why sequels of horror movies should not be made unless they were planned before hand, or unless they are not horror movies, but only pretend to be. (such as resident evil, which is to no extent of the imagination a horror movie, but more of an action movie.)
That being said, dont watch horror movies unless you hear that they are good from a reliable source, or have a writter/director who has won an award for his writting or directing skills.
I Leave you with this:
Remember that Watching crappy movies and then recommending them will lead to the general dumbing down of society, and this will be filled with more horror than any movie you have ever seen.

spoiler alert!
The Fat guy dies.

Zebobbybird, Editor and Administrator (of pain)



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